An EPIIIIIC fantasy of hobbits, necks and a manly man's man
by papaKelly
Summary: Welcome to the peculiar world of a manly man in Middle Earth on a quest to avenge his wife after she was 'harassed' by a certain elf that looks suspiciously like Orlando Bloom and his band of whimsical bros. Enjoy yourself as you read about this man on his pointless quest through the horrible literary techniques of one f***ed up teenage girl!
1. THE SUGOI MAN AND HIS KAWAII WAIFU

_AUTHOR'S NOTE:_

_Howdy doody kiddies! Yes, yes I know that the rules say no reader inserts or something of the sort, but it isn't THAT horrible now is it? I'm just here to make y'all feel better about your own literary abilities! We cool? Yeah, we cool._

* * *

You're a man. A manly man's man man. You're the best around, nuthin's ever gonna bring you down. Whenever you're not fighting for the little man, you sit your buff booty down on your throne of mandom and bathe in the holy light that is emitted from the manly gifts you constantly receive from your lower classes. You are one with your people; you may of been titled as their king, but you fight alongside them as their fellow comrade. Such a cool dude, you are! You have muscles on your muscles, you pee standing up, you have sideburns to die for and the largest collection of Johnny Depp related merchandise anyone has ever seen. You don't traverse your vast kingdom in shining armour and on a trusty steed, you're more humble than that. A man, or woman (you ain't discriminating to the bitches), who wears shining armour has never had the bravery to use it. And the last piece of armoury you ever wore was thrown at an enemy during the war of Sassparilla. You don't ride a horse because you don't want to hurt it with the crippling weight of your muscle, you're sensitive like that.

You have a son. His name is, suitably, Guy and he can already bench press 10 pounds. He's already your little man and you're so proud of him. One day he'll take over your kingdom, and you aren't afraid of that day since you're a man. And who made this man-baby with you? Your hot babe of a wife, that's who! She is loved by everyone in the kingdom; being the second-best warrior in the kingdom's military. Second-best to you, the manliest man's man. But it wasn't her 'killer' moves, crazy kissable curves or her 'good hands' that caught you. It was her neck. You yourself, being such a buff dude, have quite a sensual neck yourself; especially for the bitches who have a thing for beards, but the neck your wife has been blessed with is out of this world! It is so provocative that it is necessary for the normal function of society that she wears a scarf. Except when the two of you are alone, you are the only exception you lucky man! But one day, you realized that you weren't the only man to of seen her glorious neck...

It was the beginning of some sort of season and the trees were beginning to get hairy again. You sat inside of your man cave in your man chair, appreciating some free form jazz, before your wife abruptly stopped your muse by slapping the door open and running over to you. You were in slight shock as her neck was exposed and her scarf was nowhere in sight. This was usually her way of indicating that she was feeling a little 'open'.

'Honey, it's too early in the day!' You weren't one to objectify women, so you tried to refrain from hot nekkid lovin' until the evening, you were a manly man's man and doing anything else just wouldn't do!

'No, it's not that m'love.' Your hot babe of a wife whimpered. She held herself in a way that meant she felt uncomfortable. Also her nose was dribbling and her eyes were all puffy and red. You, being such an understanding and empathetic manly man's man, caught on this and asked her sincerely,

'What's wrong honey bunny?' You repositioned yourself so she could sit on your manly lap so you could consult her. Everything looked better from on top of a lap, so maybe that would make her feel better! She sat on your manly lap and wrapped her womanly woman's woman arms around you. Her neck was so... close... But it was no time for any fun fondling, you had to remind your manly self. Such a good husband, you are! If only you weren't a fictional character, such a bummer.

'One of those horrible vampires attacked me!'

_'Surely,_ you being the bestest warrior-lady woman's woman, you could deal with it?'

'Yes, yes I did. I beat the shit out of him.' She nodded her head reassuringly to you, you nodded back in understanding. 'But then... th-these two other vampires appeared and they all attack me at once!'

_'Surely,_ you being the bestest warrior-lady woman's woman, you could deal with it?'

'Yes, yes I did. I wooped all their asses.' Your hot babe-wife wiped her nose. 'So I kept on walking back home, but then I was caught in a booby trap! And I knew it was those bastard elves that had made it since the rope had imprinted on it 'made in Isengard'. And then all the elves appeared and they started poking me with some sticks!'

You were flabbergasted. Nothing this gruesome had ever happened before... How disgusting of those elves! Oh god, how you hated those stupid-ass elves. They were just so fricking beautiful and perfect at everything! They were such little pricks. You remembered back to school when this elf called Legolas kept on touching your little buff booty and you told him to stop BUT HE WOULDN'T. That elf made you feel so dirty... Sometimes you still cry at night, remembering that little elves wolfish grin...

_'Surely,_ you being the bestest warrior-lady woman's woman, you could deal with it?'

'Yes, yes I did. I made all those elfish men into my bitches for a couple of hours. I got them to make us some sexy swords!'

'Oh yay! I like swords!'

'Yeah, me too m'love! So after I got my elf bitches to make me some sexy swords, I got them to start carrying me back home since I thought they wouldn't have anything better to do, right? So we had gone over some mountains and junk, and then we came across a group of these weird-ass kids! There was, like, a dwarf, another bastard elf who looked suspiciously like Orlando Bloom, a human and two totes kawaii hobbits -wait no- 4 totes kawaii hobbits. So we hanged out a little and then these guys were all like 'we have to get this shit done and get a ring in a mountain' or something and they began leaving. Then the bastard elf realized that I was being carried by, like, 30 elves and he decides that he doesn't like me.'

'Oh my god what the hell is his problem!' You agreed with your hot babe wife. To tell the truth you really didn't give a damn about how she'd met these dudes because she was interrupting your beloved free form jazz all the while exposing her lovely little neck, so you were just acting to give a damn. And acting was reacting, so your sincere nodding seemed to be convincing her!

'And then this Orlando Bloom-ish elf tackled me and started punching me!'

_'Surely,_ you being the bestest warrior-lady woman's woman, you could deal with it?'

'Well, no not this time...' Yo waifu replied gingerly, looking down disappointedly. 'My scarf got snagged on a branch... and they all saw my neck...'

You choked on your breath. WHAT!? WHAT!? WHAT DID SHE SAY!? THEY SAW HER NECK!? JESUS FUCK DICK THIS IS A SERIOUS CAFFUFFLE.

'A-and then this elf...' Her voice grew shaky. 'Touched my neck.' She squeaked, your hot babe waifu broke down into a mass of tears then, burrowing her babydoll face into your manly man's man shoulder. You had to have revenge on this elf bastard, no matter how long it took! Not only did he attack yo wife and expose her glorious neck to at least, like, 37 people, but he

**TOUCHED.**

**HER.**

**NECK.**

...To be continued?


	2. 71 words of satisfying conclusion

...To be Continued?

No. You and your hot babe waifu decided that you were mature adults and would be the good in this situation, you forgave the bastard elf who looked suspiciously like Orlando Bloom and continued on with your Middle Earthling life as you did before. Because that's what a real manly man's man and his womanly woman's woman kawaii waifu do.

And they lived a sugoi ever after.

Fin.


End file.
